This poor blog. It's become so...abandoned. Do I honestly care? I don't think so. I've kind of strayed away from the blogging business lately anyway because...well...I guess I just don't have much of anything to say anymore. Within the next...3 weeks or so...life will have taken another humongous turn in the way of CHANGE Scary... haha the new prof. has a blog. entertaining. anyway. it's late. I still have some harry potter to read.

Wow. I just had the urge to say that this is such a lazy summer. What the heck am I talking about? Yeah, lazy in the sense in that I don't have time to practice, run, or really do much of anything. Well, I guess if I stayed home one night every once in a while, I could get more stuff done, but oh well. I still wouldn't have much time to practice because everyone's all sleepy once I get home from work. Sigh. So if any of you are bored, you should come in to work on Wednesdays and Saturdays when it's slow/only if it's slow. I need to start practicing. The story of my life, it seems. I need to practice more. Those auditions that I dind't quite realize applied...Eeks. So, I've been keeping super busy this summer. Plus, I've thrown myself on an emotional ride, between the ex-bf and the random stuff with my grandfather lately...agh... Anyway, I'm rambling. I have nothing much to say. Nothing of worth, that's certain. ...Oh...one thing, though...Today at church we did a bunch of patriotic-type songs, and maybe about half way through them I connected Sam to the issue. It started to make me a bit sad. Sam, we still love you and miss you and thank you.

It has come to that point where closure is imminent, necessary, and required.

Time doesn't matter. At least not in the sense that humanity measures it. Days can have the same impact that weeks or months do; it's more about the individual and how he/she changes and experiences life each moment.
To me, this past week has seemed like a month. I've been dealing with new situations and slowly confronting/ignoring recent emotions. I wish that things weren't like they are in so many ways. I miss the way last month went. However, life is life. This is just a part of it. I have learned so much about myself in the past month and a half. I really have, as unfortunate as it may be that it had to come from this situation that had to be like this.
Time is something different to everyone, though, and so actions that I may take now without any thought given to time as seen in the eyes of all whom I interact with may come across as hasty or irresponsible or disrespectful or showing of my feelings. Really, though, it will take a greater understanding to realize that what I do now doesn't change what I have been feeling, what I did feel, what I would still be feeling, what I still feel. It's just...agh.

I just quit my job.

Pain. It's there. The memories are there; the hopes, everything, so pain is bound to be existent. I don't want it to be like this...

This time, though, it's different. I know how much he meant to me. I know that even though I never expected it--and truthfully, if I ever even wanted to--I fell for him.  However, I am finding this slight amount of peace within me that is giving me hope that I won't fall into the depths of sadness and depression that I could only expect to come from heartbreak. There is something within me telling me to remember that this is God's plan, that I need to continue living in now and not the past or the future. I need to have hope, but I need to not live in hope.

I can't help but remember so many of the good times that happened within a month; those make me sad that I won't have times like that in that context, with him again, but I know that life goes on, and either someone much better is out there for me or for some reason the time just wasn't right this time. Who knows. I'm not going to live hoping that things may change in the future. I'm just going to keep on going in my life. Having fun. If anything, I learned from this past month that I need to live now in the present. I need to focus on being happy today, not what it will take for me to be happy in a year.

Yes. I wish things weren't like this. I wish I wasn't feeling pain. I wish that everything was just as happy and great as it was 2 weeks ago. It's not, though, and I am hurting. I can't change that. I might as well make the most of it and be as happy as I can be rightnow. When the time comes, I will understand why.  but until then...

I'm feeling really weird right now. I think that I just need a vacation, as older-person as that sounds. I want very much to be in Italy, but I think that California would do just fine. I wouldn't mind the mountains too much, either, but I would really rather go to California since I can't go to Italy. I'm missing it. I'm feeling like last year...when I recounted everything that happened. It's been nearly two years since I left. June 26. I miss it. Being in Italian class, I really start to remember those times, my encounters with the language. I mean, I do recount it every time I have a composition or an oral. Sigh... When I smell the smoke or alcohol, but especially the smoke when I'm at Matt's or really anywhere, it makes me think of almost anywhere that we'd go while we were in Italy. Working in an Italian restaraunt...Makes me miss REAL Italian food. The bread...the tomatoes...the fresh fruit...sigh...I miss it all. I need to email my host family once I learn a little more Italian. Meh...

I think that the blog fun ends about here. At least for this site. I bet that I'll end up coming back to it in a while, but I think for the most part it's done for now. Insanity, I tell you. there's so much stuff on this blog...wow...

They were just doing a tribute on the news for all of those from this state who have died serving our country since it's memorial day.

Our Sam was on there...

I'm so glad that we have mostly been able to move on from it, but she is still in our hearts, and we miss her dearly.


Goodnight.

Italian homework. Conjugating verbs. I'm about a third of the way done. 4 weeks left to do it all. Sigh.

I think I should probably be studying, but I think I'm going to go run and then use the left over time before I go out tonight to study a bit. Sigh. I'm so bad.